Ah, single life. It’s not for the faint of heart. Neither is app dating. Trust me when I tell ya this. I’m a pro, an expert, the President of the club. I would like to tender my permanent resignation. Rather than list the apps I have tried, let me the list some of the the ones I have not (yet): Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, Tawkify, Meet Mindful, Zoosk. There are others, of course, but I don’t want to try them either, and hopefully, I won’t have to.
I’d like to meet someone in real life, organically. As I stated in Part 1 of Flashbacks of App Dating, even though I never met The One at the grocery store, subway, bookstore, movies, concerts, book signings, plays, comedy shows, Brooklyn Bridge, doctor/dentist office, work, Greyhound, Amtrak, Lyft share, JFK airport or other places, I’m hoping that I will. Pandemic be damned. I’m ok if the meet-cute with The Love of My Life is at the laundry mat as we both load side-by-side dryers.
People in my social circle have gotten married and now have kids from meeting on apps. That’s why, glutton for punishment that I am, I log on, create profiles and swipe left and right, and block. I should ready my swiping finger because my ring finger is still bare. I sigh thinking about what awaits me should I decide to make the plunge again. There should be a warning before reading profiles. Warning: scrolling through these profiles may induce eye-rolling and headshaking. There should also be a warning to manage expectations when going through photo galleries. Here now, a stroll down memory lane.
- No profile pic
- Old photos
Group Photos These are taken at weddings, birthdays, graduations, etc. One group photo is ok, but not if it’s the only one, or all of them. Sir, which one are you?
- On a parked motorcycle in a driveway or on the street
- On a jet ski
In front of a luxury car Foot may or may not be on the bumper
- In driver seat of a car; worse: with seat belt across his chest
- Gun aimed at the camera/guns tossed on a bed
- Cash in bundles or splayed on a bed
- Naked, oiled down torso Granted, I do appreciate the eye candy, but…
- Crotch shot (with or without a noticeable bulge in pants) No doubt, said poster will send unsolicited dick pics after the first hello text.
- Mirror selfie with phone or iPad in the shot Don’t you not have at least one friend who can snap a quick pic? Or prop up the phone, set the timer and take a full body shot yourself.
- Meal prep and cooked meal photos Impressive, but I want to see you. Or, if you insist on including them, also show yourself.
- Pets Aww, cute and adorable, but I don’t want to see them licking you on the mouth. I also don’t need time-lapsed photos of them through the years.
- Baby photos No need to include pictures of yourself as a baby, or others. I’m sure your nieces and nephews are cute, but that’s not why I’m here. Also, if you are a new parent, I don’t want to be dating you. That is a fresh breakup. Take some time to adjust to this new life, before trying to forge another one.
- Sunrise/sunsets Yes, they’re beautiful, but they don’t belong in your profile, unless they’re the backdrop and you’re visible
- Military/armed forces/police officer uniform photos I feel like this is bait. I’m a sucker for a man in well-tailored suit. Lots of women admit to loving a man in uniform. There’s something a little off about posting uniform photos. Kinda crosses the line from pride to showing off, in my humble opinion.
- Hospital scrubs Again, nothing wrong with career pride, but sometimes, these photos offer no explanation other than “work in medical field.” Nurse? Doctor? Orderly? All good, but be clear, please.
- In a music studio Producer? Sound Engineer? Still chasing a rap career? Let me know what I’m stepping into here.
- Photos with celebrities Concert meet-and-greets or chance encounter? Cool for Instagram posts, but not dating profile. Don’t make me dig up my photos with Anderson Cooper and Angie Martinez from book signings.
- Window seat on an airplane
- Large, gawdy jewelry, including oversize cross, pinky ring, and yes, even belt buckles
- Close up of a watch
- Shadow picture
- Brim of fedora
- Brim of fitted baseball cap, usually Yankees
- Peace sign with his fingers
- Middle finger(s) to the camera, sometimes as he bites his bottom lip
- Two fingers with tongue in between (signifying cunnilingus) I mean, don’t threaten me with a good time, but can we learn each other’s last names first?
- Tongue sticking out like a toddler
- Mean mugging like he spotted the member of a rival gang
- Sunglasses on in all photos This is online dating, not witness protection program
- Headshots only Lying about your height? A guy claimed to be 5’7”, but when we met for the first time and hugged hello, he rested his head on my shoulders. I’m 5’4”.
- Lying in bed on a pillow looking up at the camera
- Parents, siblings and/or kids Do they know they’re featured in your dating profile?
- Blowing hookah/cigarette/weed smoke
- Sweaty gym/workout photos
- Subway selfies
- Bathroom selfies I can see the toilet seat is up, toothbrush and toiletries littering the counter, and the unfolded towel in your dirty mirror
- Promo/marketing for self-published book or small-owned business Kudos, but are you touting your accomplishments or promoting?
- Skydiving, ziplining, snorkeling, off-roading You’re adventurous…on vacation. Most of us are. I too have participated in 3 of the 4 listed. These photos seem cliché, more so if they’re old.